Grieving for a Long Time After a Loss? (2024)

If you’re having a difficult time after experiencing a loss, know that you’re not alone and healing is possible.

Grief is one of the human experiences that binds us together universally. And yet, when we’re each called to face it, we go through it in our own way.

For those who live with complicated grief, the process can be particularly challenging and feel never-ending.

You may want to move forward, but you’re not quite sure how to do it. Or maybe you feel like there’s no purpose to life anymore.

Feeling this way is natural and not uncommon. While it may feel impossible right now, there are ways to manage your grief and find healing. You can do this.

Grief is a natural response to losing someone you love. But for most people, even when challenging and hurtful, grief is a temporary experience.

Temporary doesn’t mean short — it may take months and sometimes longer to process a loss. But typically, the pain subsides gradually.

Most people go through stages of grief after a loss until they reach a level of acceptance. For other people, however, grief may become more intense and persistent.

Maybe you lost your child, or the love of your life passed away from an illness. Or, perhaps more recently, you were separated from someone you love in their final moments due to COVID-19 restrictions.

All of these can lead you to experience intense emotions — which can last months or even years. You may believe you’ll never get over it; months have gone by and you still don’t feel any different.

Between 2.4 and 6.7% of people share this experience. It’s typically referred to as complicated grief.

Complicated grief is an official mental health diagnosis, even though it’s known by another name.

As of 2020, the American Psychiatric Association has approved its addition to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5) as prolonged grief disorder. The term will replace persistent complex bereavement disorder, which also referred to the complicated grieving experience.

The International Classification of Diseases, 11th revision (ICD-11) added prolonged grief disorder to the list of mental health diagnoses in 2018.

The causes of prolonged grief disorder are not yet clear, but many factors may be involved, including:

  • trauma
  • biology
  • environmental aspects

Some people may be more likely to grieve for longer.

For example, some research suggests that those with a history of substance use disorder may be more likely to develop prolonged grief disorder.

A 2020 study also suggests that those who experience prolonged grief show impairments in their emotional processing ability, as well as increased activity in the amygdala.

The amygdala is the “fire alarm” of your brain. When a stressful or traumatic event happens, it’s the area of the brain that sends out the signal to be on high alert, prompting a rush of stress hormones, like cortisol, throughout your body.

In essence, those who live with complicated grief have brain activity similar to those engaged in an active fight-or-flight response, making it difficult to adapt to changes and move forward after loss.

Research from 2015 has suggested that a potential cause of prolonged grief disorder is a lost sense of identity after losing someone so close to you.

This, however, doesn’t imply causality. More research is needed to understand what leads someone to develop symptoms of complicated grief.

Everyone experiences grief in a different and unique way. However, the DSM-5 does outline the formal criteria to receive a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder:

Loss

The first criterion for diagnosis is that you’ve experienced the death of a loved one, felt significant distress, and experienced disruption in your home life, social life, at work, or other areas.

Grief response

In the last month or more since your loss, your response has involved a daily intense longing for the departed person and persistent preoccupation with memories of them.

Clinical signs

For at least 1 month, almost every day, you’ll have experienced at least 3 of the following symptoms:

  • significant denial or disbelief about your loss
  • feeling as if you’ve lost part of yourself or your identity
  • difficulty thinking about the departed loved one to the point of avoiding reminders of them
  • intense emotions related to the loss, including anger, despair, and irritability
  • difficulty returning to your usual social, academic, leisure, or work activities
  • feeling emotionally numb
  • loneliness or a disconnect from others
  • feeling as if there’s no purpose in life

Impairment

You’ve experienced significant distress to the point that it’s difficult or impossible for you to function in social, occupational, and other aspects of your life.

Cultural expectations

The way you feel can’t be explained by cultural or religious norms, including how long you’ve been grieving.

Mental health conditions

Your response to the loss, and the symptoms you experience, can’t be explained by substance use or other mental health conditions.

It’s long been thought that we go through five stages of grief after facing a loss:

  • denial
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression
  • acceptance

You may experience all these stages of grief after a loss, or only a few of them. Eventually, however, grieving fades over time as you reach acceptance on your own.

Sometimes, you may also experience anticipatory grief. This can happen before a loved one has died, like if someone has a terminal form of cancer or dementia, for example.

With complicated grief, you may find it more difficult to move through the different grieving stages.

You might feel stuck in one or more of them, unable to reach closure to get to acceptance. This can last for months or several years, and resolution typically requires the support of a health professional.

Complicated grief can sometimes be confused with depression because some symptoms overlap. Grieving and depression are not the same thing, though.

Depression may have a genetic component, thought to be a chemical imbalance in the brain related to neurotransmitters like serotonin. While it can be made worse by external stressors, they usually aren’t the primary cause.

Depression may also be related to unresolved trauma, abusive situations, and emotional dysregulation. There’s still not enough evidence to determine if these factors are also involved in prolonged grief disorder.

Complicated grief, on the other hand, is directly caused by a specific stressful circumstance: the death of a loved one.

From a clinical perspective, the symptoms vary as well. You can receive a diagnosis of depression after 2 weeks of symptoms like low mood, lack of motivation, and withdrawal from loved ones.

With grief, the process is naturally expected to take a while, so a diagnosis isn’t made until after a year. The core symptoms also focus around loss in a way that depression doesn’t, such as longing for your loved one or being preoccupied with memories of them.

Not being able to move on without the person you lost is a specific symptom of prolonged grief disorder and not depression.

With that said, it is possible to have complicated grief and depression at the same time.

Treatment for complicated grief looks different for everyone, but finding a safe space to process your feelings is the first approach that experts recommend.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy — aka talk therapy — may help you process the emotions surrounding the loss you’ve experienced. It may also help you develop coping skills to continue moving forward with your life.

Research in 2018 suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), in particular, may help you manage symptoms of prolonged grief.

Medications

If you’re experiencing complicated grief along with anxiety or depression, medications may be an option to help you cope.

Antidepressants, like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are often used to treat symptoms of depression.

A doctor may also prescribe anti-anxiety medications like benzodiazepines (for example, Valium or Xanax).

Your doctor can help you figure out if your symptoms merit you taking medications and for how long.

Coping skills

There are several coping tools you can use to help you process grief.

One of the most important ones is to stay engaged in activities you value or enjoyed before your loss.

Self-care

At a time when you may be having difficulty reaching out to others, self-care is essential.

There’s the good old trio of balanced nutrition, regular exercise, and 8 hours of sleep each night.

Some other self-care strategies include:

  • spending time outside in nature
  • practicing daily meditation
  • spending time with friends and family even if you don’t feel like it at first
  • watching a favorite movie or show
  • practicing yoga
  • journaling about your feelings

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s a testament to how much you loved someone.

You’re allowed to feel this way — there’s absolutely nothing wrong with grieving.

Grieving takes time for everyone. But if it’s been going on for more than a month, you’re having a particularly hard time, and it’s significantly impacting how you see yourself and life in general, you may be developing symptoms of complicated grief.

Prolonged grief disorder is a formal mental health diagnosis, and it can be treated.

You may also find this Ted Talk by Nora McInery to be relatable. If nothing else, maybe it’ll give you a little comfort, knowing you’re not alone.

If you need a little more support, you can always find a professional who specializes in grief counseling. These resources can help:

Grieving for a Long Time After a Loss? (2024)

FAQs

What do you say to someone who is grieving? ›

Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

You, your family and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. She was so nice to me; one of my favorite memories of her was… (share a happy memory of the person who passed) Whenever you want to talk, just know I am a phone call away.

What do you say when someone dies after a long illness? ›

We have a few ways you can craft a thoughtful message for someone who dies after a long illness: “I am so sorry to hear about the passing of ___ Take comfort in knowing that you cared for them so long and so lovingly. No one could have done better.

What is a quote about grief after a long time? ›

Quotes
  • "When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." ...
  • "If tears could build a stairway,and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again." ...
  • "Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow."

What is a form of comfort for a grieving person? ›

If you can't think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug. Offer your support. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there to hang out with or as a shoulder to cry on.

What is the most comforting word? ›

What do you say to a friend going through a hard time?
  • I am so very sorry for your loss. ...
  • It makes sense to me that you might be feeling really down right now. ...
  • I'll be here for you no matter what your grief looks like.
  • There really are not words big enough to express how much tenderness I have for you right now.
May 26, 2022

What is a beautiful grieving quote? ›

Only time and tears take away grief; that is what they are for.” “So it's true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” “I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” “The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on.

How to comfort someone who is grieving through text? ›

Short Messages to Send to Someone Who Is Grieving
  1. I am here for you. ...
  2. I am so sorry for your loss. ...
  3. [Insert loved one] will never be forgotten. ...
  4. I was deeply saddened to hear the news of [insert loved one] passing away. ...
  5. Holding you very close in my thoughts. ...
  6. Nothing prepares us for a loss like this.

How do you express comfort in words? ›

Words To Comfort Someone Who Lost a Loved One
  1. I am/ we are so sorry for your loss.
  2. I offer/ we offer our heartfelt condolences.
  3. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers.
  4. We are keeping you and your family in our thoughts.
  5. I am/ we are going to miss him/her.
  6. I feel so lucky I got to know him/her because <REASON>.
Aug 3, 2022

What is the best sympathy sentence? ›

The Death of a Family Member
  • “I am so sorry for your loss.”
  • “My deepest heartfelt condolences.”
  • “I will always remember them with love and fondness.”
  • “I know that this loss is hard to bear, but I am here for you.”
  • “I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My love and support go out to you.”

What is it called when you grieve too long? ›

This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life. Different people follow different paths through the grieving experience.

What is a powerful quote about losing a loved one? ›

Loss of a Loved One Quotes

Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” “Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” “He spake well who said that graves are the footprints of angels.”

What is a famous quote about healing from grief? ›

A famous healing quote about healing from grief is from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She offers these gentle words of comfort: "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.

What is one word to express grief? ›

Some common synonyms of grief are anguish, regret, sorrow, and woe.

How to comfort someone through text? ›

9 Ways You Can Support A Friend Who Is Grieving Via Text Message
  1. Offer Simple "I'm thinking of you" Text Messages. ...
  2. Tell Them It's Okay Not to Respond To Texts. ...
  3. Don't Assume You Know What They're Going Through - Invite Them To Tell You How They Are Doing. ...
  4. Talk About The Person Who Passed - Share Photos & Memories.
Nov 22, 2022

How to comfort someone grieving over text? ›

Example Condolence Text Messages: Offering Support
  1. I'm so sad about your loss. ...
  2. I'm always here for you. ...
  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. ...
  4. You are a great friend, and I hate to see you going through this. ...
  5. I know I can't do anything to make you feel better, but please know I'm sharing in your grief.

What is the best condolence message? ›

Short sympathy card messages
  • “Sharing in your sadness as you remember your lost loved one.”
  • “Wishing you strength and comfort through this difficult time.”
  • “Thinking of you and wishing you moments of peace and comfort.”
  • “I hope you know I'm here for you during this time of sorrow.”
  • “Please accept my warmest condolences.

What do you wish for someone who is grieving? ›

I wish you and your family peace and comfort as you grieve the loss of your [family member]. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved [family member]. May you find comfort at this most difficult time in the outpouring of love surrounding you and your family.

How do you uplift someone who is grieving? ›

The most important help you can offer is a willing ear. Allow the bereaved person to talk and express their grief in whatever way they need. This may include crying, angry outbursts, screaming, laughing, expressions of guilt or regret, or engaging in activities that reduce their stress, such as walking or gardening.

References

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